Sunday, 5 May 2013

While the cat's away, the mice do play.

If you haven't noticed I've been off the blogging scene for a considerable amount of time. My last post was all about my little trip to Edinburgh and that honestly feels like years ago now. 

Well I'm sorry to say I haven't been busy making my fortune in Las Vegas casinos, I didn't strike up conversation with Jennifer Saunders and begin to write a sitcom with her and I wasn't preoccupied with painting the roses red. Unfortunately, this has been the worst month(ish) of my life. My grandma had a severe stroke on April 14th and after slipping into a coma-like state she passed away on the 27th. 

Now I know people die all the time and grandparents are old by definition, just look at the term 'grand-ma' which either suggests you're a fabulous woman or suggests a gal is a little older and wiser, well grandma was very much both. I have to admit she had lived a long life, she was 88 which is a fabulous age to reach, but for me she was this figure who would be a constant rock in my life, she was ageless, someone who'd be at my 21st, at my graduation and at my wedding. 

All my friends have comforted me and supported me so much through this time, but I can tell they don't really understand why I'm so upset. Obviously relationships differ, each is as unique as the people in it and I like to think I had a pretty special bond with my grandma, effectively my second mum. When I was a tot she would look after me whilst mum worked and she even lived me with me for a few years, so a large proportion of my childhood memories revolve around her. However, personally I feel it was more than that, she had a wicked sense of humour, was mischievous and so caring and I feel my time with her has moulded me into a pretty similar person, who responds well to such qualities and with a subconscious which attempts to emulate them. 

For me, the fact that I'm beginning to use phrases or pull faces which she used to pull is definitely comforting and also makes me hope that I can be half the woman she was. Although right now I feel like I've got a constant stabbing in my chest and someone's kicking me in the stomach, that pain will gradually subside and be replaced with a big slab o' grandma memories and love. 

I know I'm hurting but my family has been so strong and determined through this tough time. These qualities are most evident in the Devereau women and have all been inherited from grandma; gifts which I'm proud to carry. Although right now I feel like life is in slow mo and the decisions I've made have left me lagging a little work-wise or lacking sleep, I believe I'm doing okay, putting my grief on hold so that life can continue. She'd probably tell me to 'pull myself together' or to 'stop being so soft' and I hope that wherever she is, she knows I'm trying.

I'll remember her like she would want to be remembered, snow white hair, fabulous clothes, beautiful blue eyes, sipping champagne and eating whitebait by the sea, with the occasional sarcastic comment normally directed at me. 

So I apologise that this is a little different from my normal rambles but my blog is for me (selfish I know) and as my tiny slice of the world wide web which is here for the foreseeable, I felt it was only right to immortalise her on the internet (something she'd pretend to hate, but secretly love).

Thank you Grandma, you are everything I want to be and more. Saying 'I miss you' in an understatement but then sometimes the English language lets us down and is unable to convey real emotion, so it'll have to do. 

Love you always, your

3 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry to hear this, losing somebody close to you is always unbearably hard but I hope you can take comfort in the fact that you had such a wonderful relationship with her. This post is beautifully written and a lovely tribute xx

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  3. I'm so sorry to hear your news Heidi, I've lost a few people over the past year and blogging takes a back seat to a great loss. Your grandma sounds like a ball, I hope you're beginning to feel more yourself. I think I saw you at the Get the Label event the other week but didn't get to say hi, so hope you're keeping well x

    Clara
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